Do You Keep Seeing: "Rely on your village" - Here's How to Actually Do It.

When we are newly postpartum, or pregnant and need extra support, we absolutely need other people to help us out - to keep us sane, to keep us fed and regulated. But, not all of us have a circle of women who will surround us with support in terms of food drop offs, cleaning help, babysitting help for older kids... Most people say to "use your village", but how do people know how to be a villager for you if they didn't have one themselves?

Here's how to actually have a village

• You have to be the reciprocating villager.

• You have to ask ahead of time.

• You have to let go of ego or shame around asking for help.

• You have to be clear in your need or intention

I know, a lot of us grew up not being able to ask for help, and it can feel icky to do so. Here's the thing though. People love to help. It is a good feeling to be needed or wanted. And we are all grown ups here - meaning that people will say 'no' if they can't or don't want to do something. What you need to remember is that you should be clear in your ask. Doesn't matter if you are asking/offering to help - or whether you are asking FOR the help. Think of this. Don't you hate it when people say "let me know if you need some help"? Same here. Do I still say it out of habit? Yes. What might you say instead?

Asking TO help out:

• To an older neighbour:"I'm going to the grocery store in the next half hour - anything I can pick up for you?"

• To a mom acquaintance from school: "I'm picking up valentines cards from the dollar store for my kindergartener - need me to pick you up a pack?"

• To a new mom:"I have a lot of energy today, can I come over and do a few loads of laundry for ya while we gossip about my coworkers?"

Asking FOR help (after having a baby for instance):

• To a nearby friend: "Hey I really need a nap in the day, would you mind coming by right after lunch to watch a show on my couch and feed my newborn for two hours?"

• To your neighbour: "Would you be willing and able to shovel our walkway the next two weeks? - I'll make sure we return the favour next month when I'm more myself and can hold my weight again."

• To your mother-in-law dying to help: "I love your lasagne, would you mind making two of them so I can put in the freezer when we don't have time to cook?"

  
  

You are allowed to ask for help. You do not need to feel unworthy. You can be vulnerable - especially in the most vulnerable time in your life. People love specific requests for help.

One more example - If you ask a mom friend to do your toddler drop off for a few days a week for your first month postpartum with your newborn, I'll bet they can figure it out or commit to a few days of support you. And I'll bet when they need a toddler pick up later on, they'll remember that you each can and have relied on each other. This is how you build a village. You ask. You negotiate. You let go of shame in the name of COMMUNITY.

Understand that being part of a village means that everyone might expect a bit of transaction... IN THE NAME OF COMMUNITY. Community has been protective for the human species for a reason and you can build your own. You need to build your own.

Thanks for reading!

-Nicole

Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog is for general informational purposes only and is not intended as medical advice. Always consult with a qualified healthcare professional before making any health-related decisions